The large white envelope was placed on the table. Lying next to the fruit bowl, painted in vibrant colours, it seems out of place. I look at it for a moment and then walk away. In my minds eye I can see it, rectangular, crisp and clean, the hand written address neat and perfectly aligned. But it is the sender's address which draws me back and causes a moment of despair.
Answers to years of questions - could they really be found in this package?
I sit down, feeling older than my 20 years; I watch my baby sleeping, only a few weeks old, and wonder if anyone had looked at me like this.
I busy myself with endless tasks, occasionally glancing towards the table. I am terrified.
With courage I do not know I have, the seal is broken. Despite my blurred vision, I know before me are the papers I have been praying for. With tears silently falling, I know the journey has just begun.
My eyes run rapidly over the documents, so many pieces of paper, I am now ravenous and hungrily devour the information before me. I read my name, Audra, how unusual, I think. Aunts and uncles, grandparents, these are my relatives. A thousand questions swirl in my mind, too many too fast. I am filled with expectation; I feel the warmth of hope surround my heart. I have a family, a past, I wonder if I have a future.
With a dreamy smile and fresh cup of coffee, I settle into my $2 couch and begin to read. Steaming black coffee scolds my throat as a sharp coldness surrounds me. This cannot be true, I tell myself, this cannot be happening. Adopted? I repeat the sentence “no children have been born to…they have an adopted son…overseas.”
My heart constricts, I cannot breathe, and it hurts so much, I want it to stop; I want the pain to go. I can longer read the papers my hand shakes as my fists clench hard creasing the document I hold. Adopted! Not just me, but my brother too. The lies, the deceit, and the stories: all lies.
In that moment I feel hatred as I will never feel again, anger burns in my belly and I close my eyes and try to erase it all. I pace, cover my ears and scrunch my eyes but the memories roll in surround sound and full colour. I remember the fear I felt, the humiliation and the pain. I recall it all so clearly - yelling, throwing, embarrassment and now this lie. He was the golden child, the only biological off spring. My head is spinning, the tears flow freely. The tears that never flowed for fear of reprisal continue to stream, 20 years of anger creates a lot of tears.
I cannot remember the rest of this day with clarity. It was a day of shattered hopes and dreams. A day, when a sense of betrayal became my shadow, and trust, a distant friend.
